Two Edged Swords Cutting Thru Curse/Blessings

I live in Two Worlds. At least two, really. And I'm "world weary" enough in just one!

I've been "out here" for about 20 months now. Initially, I really thought it might "only" be a couple of months at most, if near that long. In fact, I made concerted efforts to avoid becoming homeless at all, in advance, when I saw that I was situationally barreling toward that precipice. At first, I naively figured that I had a good, viable chance of arranging something else, even in terms of minimal, yet serviceably functional, lodging for an interim.

By now, there's no particular end in sight. And it's been such a struggle to have just made it this long. Meanwhile, so much that I've relied upon to do so has been strained, diminished, depleted or is simply changed and over and done with.

One of the worst ironies, and troubling dilemmas, is that I've found that some "options" that can ease the stresses and add some admittedly small or humble "comforts" to one's days/nights in the jam, come at a real risk of actually perpetuating it all the more. Yet, the "prices" of doing otherwise, to keep more concertedly attempting to more substantially improve or get out of the predicament, can be such serious gambles and incur even further hardships too.

It becomes so wearing, tiring, dispiriting and discouraging. And one is surrounded by others grappling similarly. Yet, right amongst countless others doing quite nicely, thank you. And the context of then "keeping up appearances" so as to "fit in". Somewhat. Somehow. Sometimes. Some ways.

The contrasts become so stark and steep! At one moment, I'll be retrieving a surplus military poncho for lame, filthy old man that sleeps down the block in a doorway to help him stay dry-er on a dank, cold, rainy day... and then have a breezy chat with an acquaintance about the thousands of dollars he's getting from a lawsuit won against his longtime landlord, and his upcoming plans for some new camera equipment.

I'll have lunch in a park, among the most ragtag mix including the most destitute, and later a "friend" generously serves a simple homecooked dinner to a handful of other of his "friends"... served from the trunk of his car, doled out of tinfoil containers onto paper plates on a busy street corner sidewalk. Delicious, too! But like feeding dogs. And as though it's "normal" somehow.

Most people stop inviting you to visit at their home. Ever. You've joined the "underclass" even among people that call you "friend". Even those that turn to you for favors, including borrowing your cash! I recall how weird it was for me to have people that wanted to "visit" with me a lot at cafe's,  wanting my attentions and company, but at closing time  departed wishing me a "good night"... both of us knowing I had to trudge a mere bicycle and loaded trailer ... somewhere ... to sleep on concrete sidewalks, sometimes in freezing cold and/or wet. "See ya' tomorrow!"

Such are the collisions of context in an area very used to both having numerous homeless people around and with ongoing "mixing" with others. Even usual "socializing". But a somewhat bizarre "class system" has evolved. Even a rather unfortunate version.

Once it becomes known that you've changed "class" and have descended to "the streets", you're seen and treated very differently. Same person, but dramatically changed status. And so revised dynamics.

The Sleepless Nightmare

I've referred to this entire experience as: A Surreal Nightmare. And it can and has been, in many ways, at many times.

One very basic aspect is actual sleep, though. Or, more specifically, a lack of sleep -- sleep deprivation, which can become chronic, with accumulating effects.

When on the streets, many folks "turn in" pretty early . . . once it gets dark and they can get away with retiring to their various "spots" undetected (or at least relatively undisturbed). Besides, what else is there to do all evening long -- especially when it's cold, or also wet?

And, either way, one usually has to get up and going very early in the morn, so logging enough sleep before then is vital, since the following long day must be tackled and possibly including a tedious series of necessary routines . . . lugging stuff around, more walking than most people do, trundling aroudn town and among meals or other necessary resources, etc.

It all  can be a grueling, exhausting grind. Enough so, that at the end of the day, there's enough raw exhaustion to grant the sorely needed and prized . . . simple sleep. I found that, when "out there" literally on the streets, with random people passing by (sometimes even actually stepping right over one) and all the other action and hubbub, the ONLY reason I could be in such circumstances and even go to or stay asleep at all was due to that deep fatigue.

My own routine wasn't to retire early. Instead, I'd spend evenings usually in wifi cafe's, to take advantage of prime time to try to make more happen, sell stuff online, probe for opportunities/resources, stay in touch with some, try to get something worthwhile done or just take shots at whatever. Plus, wanting/needing a range and variety of "social" or "community" contacts and interaction with a variety of other kinds of people. So I'd be "out" until midnight or so. THEN do the laborious trailered bicycle commute to . . . wherever I was "staying" at the time, to do the drill of unpacking the necessary things, securing everything else as well as could be, possibly waterproofing, etc. Only to reverse all this right away, first thing in the early morn. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Etc.

These days, I've been enjoying the incredible boon of being among the "vehicled", if still "homeless".  I''m still keeping pretty much the same evening/night hours "out" though, despite having this precious place to go most any time I'd like -- a private, secured place available for me to hole up in, even with relative "luxuries" -- light. heat, space (however modest), and more books and other items than could previously be carried/kept on hand. Even foods, drinks and treats. Heck, I can even watch movies on my laptop or iPod (as long as the batteries hold out).

AND I can also "sleep in" too, not absolutely having to get up and going right away very early to avoid expensive citations, or harassing rousts, or just because of a day's beginning hustle and bustle surrounding.

Depending upon where one is parked, certain external factors do apply. In timed zones, often beginning at 8am - 9am a two hour limit begins, requiring that the vehicle be moved. This parking leap-frogging can continue to go on all day, too, if staying in these areas, forcing the day into two-hour segments between these relocations to further parking  spots hopping from block to block.

But now with this relative comfort, the lack of the same extreme hardship has been having another, unexpected effect too -- insomnia. I've been having trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep. I've apparently become accustomed to relying upon a real exhausted fatigue as a sedative. Now, unless I'm pretty severely spent, I'm having trouble staving away all the stress, worries, concerns, and other thoughts and feelings that I'd so long had to only just keep at bay as I concentrated on only immediate survival and the ongoing perpetual NOW of just the very next things . . . all else aside.

My own mind tortures me. A couple of years' backlog of unresolved and mounting issues invades and clamors for my attention, in that humble womb of quiet, safe solitude. And it all plagues me while preventing sleep, even when pretty tired and craving my usual somatic sanctuary. I'm also a bit claustrophobic, and the upper cab-over bunk is a pretty tight fit which makes little difference when snoozing, but can close in and confine when awake. Although the rest of the space is a relative private, exclusive manor compared to being outdoors with only the "privacy" of a bivvy bag pulled over one's head, on any other standard it's fairly cramped too, and can rouse "cabin fever" in me.

So I've been having more trouble with all this in recent times than I'd realized I was in for. And then, once finally tuckered out enough to quell all the fitful, distracted latening nights and I finally do fall out, I'm either awakening too early when roused by nature's calls or ending up sleeping too late into morns. Or mid-days, if and when I haven't been able to sleep until, say, 4am - 6am or so.

This is now a new problem to try to handle. Among all the others. And so many as-yet largely unsolved problems. Which is part of what keeps me up so much. And so it all goes . . .

Rainy Daze

I've not yet repaired the windshield wipers, so during recent rainstorms, I'm forced to park somewhere... sometimes days at a time. This is a problem in more ways than one. But a major factor is more and more areas are imposing 2 hour parking limits, if one is not a resident of that area with the appropriate sticker on the vehicle identifying as such. Obviously, metered parking is out of the question too.

I've got my bike mounted on the back of the van, but riding much in pouring rain isn't the best solution. So I prefer to "dock" nearby where I usually go and need to be. Fortunately, there are still a couple of parking spots both unmetered and not subject to the 2 hour limit. But these are naturally coveted and it's competitive to get one. I've been pretty lucky at that, so far.

The rains just returned after a couple of days' break. A much needed break, as heavy condensation inside or an actual leak at the cabover window (not found  yet) had been getting conditions fairly dank and damp within. In fact a corner of my "bunk" was wet. So I was able to remove everything, dry it all out, clean and abate mold/mildow blooms, etc. And then put it all back in dry and fresh and tidy.

The result is that now, during our renewed storms it's much more pleasant in there. I enjoyed some snacks and a movie last night. Beautiful surprise sunny blue morn today, but before I unleash any Spring Fever, more storms are forecast over the next couple of days.

Update: Meeting with the Police

A LOT has happened since the previous post, two down. But, this morning, I met with the "new" Area Coordinator/Commander for the police department, at a local cafe, where we talked for a bit over an hour.

As I recounted below, a beat officer had encouraged me to contact his superior within the dept. toward initiating a discussion of "the homeless" and the police enforcing of the various laws against us, as well as possibly toward identifying some better ways to go. So I'd acted on his suggestion and sent an email. That was months and months ago. No one had even responded to that email.

A couple of months went by and, one day, I was cleaning up my email and ran across the sent item. At that moment it just peeved me that I hadn't even been responded with so much as make-nice, boilerplate acknowledgment of simply having received my email. So I checked the local city/police website and found an email address for a Community Affairs officer and forwarded the original email to that address with a short note explaining that I'd been ignored and asking who might be an appropriate contact.

I then received a fairly prompt response, finally acknowledging me and telling me that there had been some departmental reorganization and that they were also forwarding my email to another person. Shortly, I then received a cordial email from the new Area Coordinator/Commander inviting to meet with me. We exchanged a couple more to establish a context (she wanted to know if I represented any group(s) beyond just myself) and some topic, then scheduled a time/place - a local cafe'.

She arrived a bit late this morn, while I'd gotten there early and had grabbed a table. I was outside looking around when I spotted her driving up in an unmarked police car, looking a bit grim, really. But I greeted her, and she joined me at the table within, but declined to grab a coffeee, so we sat down and I got right to the point.

I was pleased to find her attentive, interested and responsive. I explained my own position, my priority concerns and hopes. She did pose some of the more difficult, frank questions as well, about the issues raised, but made a point of expressing her own "compassionate" nature and seeking what preferred options may be considered and/or available.

Our main items of concern:

• As it is now, local codes mostly criminalize simply being homeless, when it comes to unavoidable pragmatics, such as where one can be or, more so, just sleep. My own take is that the city needs to designate specific places where this is legally allowed, in some form. Both those "camping" and those fortunate enough to have vehicles.

• "The homeless" is too broad, and too unfortunately stigmatizing of a term. There is more variety of types of people unfortunately in that status and plight. I urged her and her officers to realize this, and that the awareness might influence their conduct and treatment towards individuals. I explained to her what a personal offense it can be, even practically, to be "enforced" against and disrespected, in reality. Not to mention burdened with "fines" and all the more problems to have to overcome to get out of the jam.

• I was surprised to find that she seemed incompletely informed about actual local code applica\ble, such as that specifying the "obstructing sidewalk" citations, which I was subjected to once. She showed me a reference card she carries which reads as though code prohibits sitting/lieing on sidewalks more generally than I've found the full, actual code to do. Similarly, we discussed the irony of code disallowing habitation in vehicles, including those only temporarily or provisionally adapted to that use.

The obvious solution is to designate some areas allowing for both the  "camping" and habitable vehicle overnight parking. Just where this might be done is somewhat unclear, although some options came to mind. But her own take on this was that it's mainly a matter of "cost" to do so. And some anticipation of problem people.

But I maintained that no matter what does or doesn't take place, these problems exist anyway... but without such option for the more reasonable, responsible people to be okay and, at best, progress. She got the point.

Twenty Ten!

I let this blog lapse again -- for months! And so much has happened.

A biggest change is that I'm now in an "RV van", which is about the largest a van can be, before becoming a more full-fledge "RV" and about the smallest an RV can be, before just being a van.

The move from being "out there" on the streets, to being in a vehicle like this is major. It may be as, or more, significant a difference as it would be to go from here to "indoors" in a residence, really. To have one's own private space, out of the weather and elements and vulnerabilities, is so important. And to be able to carry and keep so many more belongings and provisions is a major improvement. And that's not to mention the increased mobility.

Of course, I still have my bicycle which is now mounted on a rack on the back, but the trailer has been collapsed and placed in my storage unit. And I'm still using some backpacks to organize some things even within the van, although it's got built-in cabinetry and storage facilities.

Another precious boon is that ability to use HEAT, especially this time of year! The van has onboard propane systems, including a heater. I'd been using that heater with the last of the propane in the onboard tank, until it ran out. Just recently I discovered that the tank needs some servicing which I'm unable to get done right now. So I'm using a two-burner, portable propane "camp stove" to heat, which does a pretty close job. AND affords the opportunity to do some modest cooking outside the vehicle, which has its use and charms.

Sequel to Previous Posting (see below)

At about 12:30am, the same officer parked his vehicle and began striding down the sidewalk. This was one block over from the location previously reported about. It's typical for people to drift back into an area within days after folks have been chased out. After all, there still aren't any other places to go and there's the nightly need to be... somewhere.

This particular location is a sidewalk along one end of a block and, presumably, is one of the few places that people are ever allowed because it's in front of a large church property and, on the other side of the street, is a row of apartments mostly occupied by college kids (which have their own... uh, "disorderly" and dubious scenes) so perhaps it's felt that this is a lower impact situation than, say, where homeowners and families reside.

I'd only just arrived and so paused when I spotted the officer arriving, wondering if this meant a repeat experience pending -- possibly another routine roust. As he walked by me, heading down the lineup of sleeping persons toward a more active and boisterous group toward the far end, he seemed to recognize me and greeting me with: "Hello, sir." Unusually respectful.

I watched as he encountered others down the way, flashing his light onto the property and scanning for the more hidden ones. [It's "trespassing" to be ON that property]

After a short while, he walked back down my way and so I asked him outright if he was going to be making us go, again. He hesitated a moment and then responded: "Not right now." This kind of noncommital, opaque statement is common from the police. One must often try to 'read between the lines'.

But he then went on to strike up a conversation with me. He began by expressing his "frustration" about being missioned to go out on his beat and "chase" people around, fully aware that there are no other real alternatives or options that are any more 'legal' and nothing being provided by the Powers That Be, either. And that folks will only come back -- CAN only come back, being merely shuffled (harassed) back and forth among very limited options.

We briefly reviewed my own status, predicament and outlook. He seemed a bit intrigued about me and found me sober, sane and reasonably articulate and knowledgable. He wanted to know if I, personally, might have any ideas about any potential solutions or degree of relief for this paradoxical, impractical game board we're all on.

I admitted that I did have some opinions and maybe even pragmatic ideas, and that I also shared some of the very real concerns that housed residents and law enforcement obviously do, too. He then told me about his superior officer who is the person within the police department and is in charge of these campaigns, issuing orders for him and other officers to go out and handle these things as they are. And he gave me a business card for the guy, pointing out that his email address was on there -- encouraging me to contact him and attempt to strike up some kind of dialoque.

He then shook my hand and thanked me for the discussion, before heading off on his duties. He let us all remain, after having directed some to quiet down. I noticed that he did not ticket the few sleeping persons that were 'trespassing' on the property.

He told me that he'd just counted 40 people out there.

I 'overslept' about 15 minutes this morn. The tacit departure time from there is 7am. I was awakened by that same officer, walking down the sidewalk again, saying "Wake up! This is your Wakeup Call!" to everyone.

Berkeley Continues to Outlaw Homelessness

Pictured above: Police cruiser pulled up to curb at about 12:30am to awaken people and send them all away.


The officer was unusually polite, even respectful and (all the more unusual) expressed compassion -- while still having to do his job. Last night, that job included waking everyone up that he found sleeping on sidewalks or any other public places and sending them on their way to.... well, nowhere else to do any sleeping. As he explained, the city is "cracking down" on people sleeping... ANYwhere, that isn't rented or owned by those sleeping there.


He also reminded folks that former locations, like a number of local churches, that have historically looked the other way and allowed people sleeping-refuge, no longer were available. The city requires property owners to file a form with city hall, if they EVER want police enforcements for "trespassing" violations on their property, which also grants the city discretionary powers for such enforcements, too. Once filed, this means that then the police are empowered to come look for people on properties and cite or arrest them for trespassing, whether or not the rightful property owners have asked for that, complained or not.


Sleeping is NOT illegal in Berkeley. Nor is there any specific code outlawing sleeping in public places. However, all parks and other city locations are "closed" to ANY public use during night hours. And city code DOES include restrictions against such things as "obstructing the sidewalk" which can then be applied to someone sleeping at a curbside, even though NOT really obstructing the majority of pedestrian area of the sidewalk. Theoretically, someone might pull up to the curb at unlikely locations and park and a passenger may wish to exit the vehicle right there where someone is sleeping. So simply being there is what's illegal, if for more than an hour at a time.

The officer asked people for their names and dates of birth, so that if any were found sleeping somewhere else later, they could then be cited for a knowing infraction after having been duly advised. However, ID's weren't checked, and disclosing identity like that isn't legally required, so folks were being asked to provide the possibly incriminating info on an "honor system".


While I'd just been drifting off to sleep myself, the fact is I hadn't been there quite a full hour yet, so I'd not yet broken any laws. But I gathered my belongings up and headed out, of course.

A short while later, I arrived at one of the very few all-night corner markets and that same officer was there in the pårking lot, sitting in his car. To his credit, he approached me when he saw me and again apologized, expressing his regret and personal discomfort that while the Powers That Be would mission him with such a callous duty it wasn't also complemented with any offering of any reasonable alternatives or appropriate resources for people's basic human needs. He also offered to buy me a cup of coffee, which I graciously declined as I wasn't in that kind of need. Besides, a coffee at that hour would... well, keep me up. ;-)

I happened to know of a spot nearby, on private property but with some permission by the owners for such stays, that I've rarely used but had to on this occasion.

There were a lot of people out in the area I'd first retired and I can only wonder where everyone else may have gone. Or where we all will tonight.